Hi everyone,
I am SO sorry that I have been absent on here lately...believe me there are more peeves that will be posted soon!!. Meanwhile, pray for me, my brothers and sisters, whilst I search for fucking toilet paper in the one thousand goddamned boxes that I have left to unpack, and whilst I wear the same freaking t-shirts and jogging pants because my bedroom set is on back-order and I must live out of boxes, many of which I had not labeled and therefore, because of my own mental deficiency, I cannot tell what is inside any of them. If I don't come back on here in a week, I am sure you will find me dead in the garage, a victim of a freak box accident, suffocated by cardboard. I wouldn't be lucky enough to be caught, the victim of auto-erotic asphyxiation. But at least I don't have cats, so I don't have to worry about them eating my corpse before it is found, half-decayed. I only have a Pug, and he can't even eat his dog food correctly with his sad little teeth, so most likely you will find him beside me. =)
Friday, September 24, 2010
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Why Diehard Feminists Suck Dick
I visited a blog today, by Cyber Police (hey, if you bring up a good point, I think you deserve the credit), and it reminded me of the extent to which diehard feminism just goes straight up my ass. Hence the title of my blog and my need to proclaim to the world that these nimrods would definitely have been better off aborted as fetuses. Much like members of the newly founded and bogglingly retarded Tea Party movement, the feminist movement has been largely put on this Earth for the simple task of making anyone who disagrees with them totally and completely miserable, not to mention disgusted and persecuted.
Now, I don't favor revoking women's suffrage or anything, (unless they're prone to voting Republican or follow the religious right, at which time they become an immediate detriment to a civilized and free society), but these dumb misguided bitches really need a good swift kick in the ass. Or a gang rape (that was a JOKE. DARK HUMOR, by the way, NOT a promotion of rape. You've gotta be careful these days, because people are so goddamned stupid and politically correct that if you fart in the wrong direction and it sounds like you meant to fart and it didn't actually just sneak out against your will, they're already grabbing the noose and mobilizing the townspeople). What today's feminists really want as far as I can see, is a HUUUUGE dick AND a pretty little well-manicured, powdery-smelling vagina, along with all the perks that go with the possession of BOTH of the aforementioned bits. It literally makes me want to barf. Not that you have to be chained to the stove and barefoot (let's not even throw in the 'pregnant' part, because they think they can do that on their own too, with a turkey baster and a well meaning friend with good aim), but do you really want to be a freaking MAN? You want equal wages, okay I agree with that...but what really irks me is that you want power and money and to be a goddamned CEO just so that you can carry a briefcase and have a secretary make your coffee for you in a timely manner (and it had better be fucking delicious too), but at the same time you DON'T want to "take it like a man" so to speak, when your delicate sensitivities are offended (like if someone calls you a girl, or says, 'nice tits' or something). Any guy would love to have a woman walk by and look at his bulge and say, 'nice package'...I would bet my left tit on that one. But these women want it all, including the right to be outrageously and righteously offended at any perceived action that vaguely alludes to that fact that they don't shit ice cream and deserve absolute protection and exaltation for that very reason. I honestly can't stand it. If they go into politics, they want to break the proverbial and beat to death the 'glass ceiling,' but god forbid some male counterpart actually treats them like an equal and attacks or counterattacks them (on a legitimate issue, mind you). Then they start screaming and bitching foul like the sissies they really are but are trying to fucking hide behind a pantsuit and gaudy necklace. The hypocrisy kills me.
Another thing that kills me about these dolts is that they want equality, yet I don't see any legislation to draft the bitches into the infantry if needed, or make them register for selective service once they turn 18. That's still reserved for the real men. Poor bastards. Talk about not fair! If you want equality, you want equality...can't have your cake and eat it too, so to speak. But our cowardly and politically correct society won't say that because they'll be fucking flayed by every feminist, jokey-shorts wearing, sports bra binding, militant "I'm a woman hear me roar" bitch and affiliated group from coast to coast. They've developed a lovely double standard for themselves that to me, just makes them look fucking ridiculous. Pansies.
So, my new rule (thanks Bill Maher) is....that if you're one of these irritating rashes of a human being, either get a sex change or take off the jockey briefs you wear under your power suit. You can't have both. You don't like men who wear ladies panties....but you're doing the same goddamned thing in reverse and you won't admit to it. It's time to stop the bullshit. It's really irritating me.
Now, I don't favor revoking women's suffrage or anything, (unless they're prone to voting Republican or follow the religious right, at which time they become an immediate detriment to a civilized and free society), but these dumb misguided bitches really need a good swift kick in the ass. Or a gang rape (that was a JOKE. DARK HUMOR, by the way, NOT a promotion of rape. You've gotta be careful these days, because people are so goddamned stupid and politically correct that if you fart in the wrong direction and it sounds like you meant to fart and it didn't actually just sneak out against your will, they're already grabbing the noose and mobilizing the townspeople). What today's feminists really want as far as I can see, is a HUUUUGE dick AND a pretty little well-manicured, powdery-smelling vagina, along with all the perks that go with the possession of BOTH of the aforementioned bits. It literally makes me want to barf. Not that you have to be chained to the stove and barefoot (let's not even throw in the 'pregnant' part, because they think they can do that on their own too, with a turkey baster and a well meaning friend with good aim), but do you really want to be a freaking MAN? You want equal wages, okay I agree with that...but what really irks me is that you want power and money and to be a goddamned CEO just so that you can carry a briefcase and have a secretary make your coffee for you in a timely manner (and it had better be fucking delicious too), but at the same time you DON'T want to "take it like a man" so to speak, when your delicate sensitivities are offended (like if someone calls you a girl, or says, 'nice tits' or something). Any guy would love to have a woman walk by and look at his bulge and say, 'nice package'...I would bet my left tit on that one. But these women want it all, including the right to be outrageously and righteously offended at any perceived action that vaguely alludes to that fact that they don't shit ice cream and deserve absolute protection and exaltation for that very reason. I honestly can't stand it. If they go into politics, they want to break the proverbial and beat to death the 'glass ceiling,' but god forbid some male counterpart actually treats them like an equal and attacks or counterattacks them (on a legitimate issue, mind you). Then they start screaming and bitching foul like the sissies they really are but are trying to fucking hide behind a pantsuit and gaudy necklace. The hypocrisy kills me.
Another thing that kills me about these dolts is that they want equality, yet I don't see any legislation to draft the bitches into the infantry if needed, or make them register for selective service once they turn 18. That's still reserved for the real men. Poor bastards. Talk about not fair! If you want equality, you want equality...can't have your cake and eat it too, so to speak. But our cowardly and politically correct society won't say that because they'll be fucking flayed by every feminist, jokey-shorts wearing, sports bra binding, militant "I'm a woman hear me roar" bitch and affiliated group from coast to coast. They've developed a lovely double standard for themselves that to me, just makes them look fucking ridiculous. Pansies.
So, my new rule (thanks Bill Maher) is....that if you're one of these irritating rashes of a human being, either get a sex change or take off the jockey briefs you wear under your power suit. You can't have both. You don't like men who wear ladies panties....but you're doing the same goddamned thing in reverse and you won't admit to it. It's time to stop the bullshit. It's really irritating me.
This Blog Deserves a Peek....LOVE IT!!!
! Silly Old Bum: Cute Asian Girls
Very weird....kind of awesome...never seen anything like it.
It definitely deserves a look....
Cow video = FUCKING FANTASTIC!!
Very weird....kind of awesome...never seen anything like it.
It definitely deserves a look....
Cow video = FUCKING FANTASTIC!!
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
A New Reason To Want To Boil Tea Party Candidates In Oil
Holy shit! Just when I think I can't take any more of this bullshit, there's another steaming pile of it right in front of me. I'll admit, when I first heard of this Tea Party crap, I laughed my ass off. This was the only thing that the far right could come up with to defeat the more liberal candidates? And to them, a fucking Republican is more liberal, by the way. I thought this concept was hysterical, because anyone with a smidgen of grey matter between their ears would never fall for this idiocy. NOPE, I underestimated the sheer stupidity of some the sludge I share this country with (involuntarily, BTW). This INSANE concept actually took off! Who the fuck knew? Not me, that's for sure.
And now, in Delaware, the Tea Party candidate Christine O'Donnell is actually against MASTURBATION, equating it with adultery! In 1998 she told MTV that "the Bible says that lust in your heart is committing adultery. So you can't masturbate without lust." WTF??? I want to know first of all what the hell she was doing on MTV. THEN I want to know, that if anytime you have "lust in your heart," if you fuck the shit out of your husband or tie each other to the bed and piss all over each other, or whatever your normal bedroom routine is....are you committing adultery? Because I can tell you I've never had a good fuck without lust and I certainly fuck the shit out of my husband with zeal! Soooo, I guess right there, with lust in my heart, I'm committing adultery with my own spouse.
That aside, who the hell is she to step in between ME and MY CLIT?? I always thought that what happened between us and the shower head was OUR private business, but who knew...god was apparently watching and he certainly didn't have a boner after all was said and done because I committed a fucking sin! I'm most definitely going to hell for sure. I might as well give up now. Fuck it, we should all be very concerned, because these politicians on the right are absolutely out of their goddamned minds and they're trying to take the country with them...right into a theocracy of idiocy. I don't like it and my clit certainly disapproves. Next thing you know they'll be peddling female circumcision as a preventative measure. But we won't have healthcare reform if the Republicans get in, so you'd better be ready to pony up some cash of your own to have your little nub snipped. Betcha never thought of that one.
What the hell is wrong with this chick anyway?? And she claims to be a CATHOLIC...which is just a watered down version of crazy when you look at some of these far right fundies. Jesus Christ, what the hell is going on here? It's very disheartening and it really chafes my ass. And that's all I've got to say about that. Except, if any one of these mutations get into office, RUN FORREST, RUN!
And now, in Delaware, the Tea Party candidate Christine O'Donnell is actually against MASTURBATION, equating it with adultery! In 1998 she told MTV that "the Bible says that lust in your heart is committing adultery. So you can't masturbate without lust." WTF??? I want to know first of all what the hell she was doing on MTV. THEN I want to know, that if anytime you have "lust in your heart," if you fuck the shit out of your husband or tie each other to the bed and piss all over each other, or whatever your normal bedroom routine is....are you committing adultery? Because I can tell you I've never had a good fuck without lust and I certainly fuck the shit out of my husband with zeal! Soooo, I guess right there, with lust in my heart, I'm committing adultery with my own spouse.
That aside, who the hell is she to step in between ME and MY CLIT?? I always thought that what happened between us and the shower head was OUR private business, but who knew...god was apparently watching and he certainly didn't have a boner after all was said and done because I committed a fucking sin! I'm most definitely going to hell for sure. I might as well give up now. Fuck it, we should all be very concerned, because these politicians on the right are absolutely out of their goddamned minds and they're trying to take the country with them...right into a theocracy of idiocy. I don't like it and my clit certainly disapproves. Next thing you know they'll be peddling female circumcision as a preventative measure. But we won't have healthcare reform if the Republicans get in, so you'd better be ready to pony up some cash of your own to have your little nub snipped. Betcha never thought of that one.
What the hell is wrong with this chick anyway?? And she claims to be a CATHOLIC...which is just a watered down version of crazy when you look at some of these far right fundies. Jesus Christ, what the hell is going on here? It's very disheartening and it really chafes my ass. And that's all I've got to say about that. Except, if any one of these mutations get into office, RUN FORREST, RUN!
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Pastor Terry Jones Can Kiss My Ass
I can't believe the balls of this guy! He calls himself a Christian and yet, this idiot clearly does not recall ANY of the teachings of Christ, if he did even exist, because this dickhead and his "burn a Koran" ceremony is the epitome of intolerance. If there are any Muslims reading this post, or anyone in a country other than the USA, please know that we in the US are not all TOTAL RETARDS LIKE THIS GUY!! Personally, he makes me want to puke. What some people here in the US have apparently forgotten is that there is FREEDOM OF RELIGION with also includes freedom to practice NO religion (which, by the way, the religious right constantly forgets). All this Muslim hate is really pissing me off. The idiots who took out the towers on 9-11 are fucking DEAD...so why this recent zeal for persecuting innocent Muslims has caught on among some of the religitards out there is totally beyond me. For a country built on supposed tolerance we sure are circling the fucking drain on this one! WTF??? Get out your goddamned pitch forks and torches, because they'll be in style pretty soon, the way we're going! No wonder we're not the most popular kids in the world's sandbox. We act like pricks!
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Gitmo Elmo
I have some very strong feelings regarding what should happen to various Sesame Street characters.....
If you are not familiar with modern day Sesame Street, you should really check it out. DVR it, TIVO it, record it on your VCR, or look it up on Youtube. If you're a child of the Sesame Street of the '70's, you're in for a hell of a shock! If you don't have children, roll up a joint and take a few shots and you'll enjoy it just fine. If you have children, probably best to skip the substances but check it out anyway-you've probably been exposed to it ad nauseum much like I have been. If you do have children and you don't know what I'm talking about, then you're a shitty parent who needs to spend more time with your damn kids so what are you doing here reading my blog anyway? Go spend time with them! Do it, do it now! If not, no bitching and complaining when your darling daughter gets knocked up at 14, or when your son ends up with a raging drug habit, or when either of them get diddled by Uncle Tony, etc. ...because YOU WEREN'T THERE FOR THEM WHEN THEY NEEDED YOU. Just somethin' to think about.....
I have the distinct privilege of having multiple children varying in age by twenty years difference, so I know the Sesame Street of my youth, the Sesame Street of 15 years ago, and the Sesame Street of today. I have to say, things have certainly changed in the hood.
For example, the Count has been totally neutered! When we were kids, the Count lived in a castle with his bats...the lighting was low and there was appropriate scary organ music, and we liked him just fine. Now, god forbid our kids think life is anything less than shitting butterflied and cupcakes, so by all means shield them from anything remotely inappropriate or realistic more like, and so now you have the Count of today. He's dressed in a costume that would make a transvestite wet himself, and what the hell happened to the thunder and lightning every time he counts? WTF? This is ridiculous....really....the Count's balls have been cut off and he doesn't seem to mind it a bit. He just keeps going like some autistic kid trying to build on his strengths, and he does a pretty good job of it, poor bastard. I just find it rather distasteful and sad. But all in all, I like the Count.
Then we come to Cookie Monster, who is just as wonderful as ever...I absolutely fucking LOVE Cookie Monster...but I definitely did NOT like the episode during which they tried to make the poor fuck eat an APPLE CINNAMON cookie....Maria and Luis tempted him like they were peddling crack to tweens....the only thing they didn't do was feed it to him out of a Whole Foods bag, so I guess I have to give them credit for that. But he ate it....the whore.
Grover remains the lovable doofus that he's always been....like so many people in this world....he's everyman...totally incompetent and having no idea whatsoever that this is the case. He slays me though...funny bastard. Good thing they didn't fuck with Grover!
Kermit the Frog and Harry Monster are now totally absent. Kermit was obnoxious, so I can only hope that someone finally took him out or served his plump little legs with lemon butter and put the rest of him in a wheelchair that was a violation of his Sesame Street contract or something, so he can't be on the show anymore...either way I don't miss him. But Harry was great! What the hell happened to him? I don't get it. I know what happened to him. He was too menacing. Big and blue and kinda monstery looking. (But the point is, he was a goddamned monster!) Oh, can't have that. Kids need to feel warm and cozy and coddled and psychologically insulated, so that when they finally become adults, they'll see what the real world is actually like, and then they'll hit the wall, great idea. They'll either end up homeless or they'll stab their families to death and then go shoot up a McDonald's. And then I'LL have to watch it on the news 'til I want to puke (because if they don't beat every story to death except for the ones that really count, it's just not a day in the news), and it'll cut into my favorite show no doubt, which I have to say will really bite. Everything must be appropriate and disarming these days...but that's another post, trust me!
Abby Cadabby (probably spelled her name wrong but I'll worry about that when I'll actually ever be required to fucking know how to spell it) and Zoe are new characters....a little obnoxious like most little girls always are, but they don't bother me much. Abby and her magic actually please me, because it is obvious that there is in NO WAY a raging Christian lunatic nutbag affiliated with the production of this show or you'd smell her burning sparkly pink hair from one end of the street to the other...they'd probably put the stake they burn her on right outside Hooper's store, just in case any other free thinking characters get any bright ideas. So I'm okay with Abby and Zoe .
Telly is a weird one. On the one hand I kind of want to slap him, but he'd probably wail so piteously that I'd actually feel some real remorse for doing it...and he's a good-hearted little dipshit, can't really find anything wrong with him. He reminds me of a history teacher I had in high school. He amuses me.
Oscar is wonderful....same old awesome jerkoff who just wants to be left alone yet someone always has to fuck with the poor bastard...I can relate to him. And he's apparently a freaking species because there are a whole bunch of other grouches who show up in some episodes, who are all just like him. So basically he is what he is for organic reasons and if that's the way he evolved, who am I to argue? Plus, he's awfully good to Slimey, his little pet worm. Anyone who's good to their pet is just wonderful in my book. If you're reading this and you're not good to your pet, you should be boiled in shit and I hope you come back in your next life as a child in Ethiopia. Have fun there. You can work on your tan.
Isn't it sad how I can know all of this off the top of my head? I know!! Here comes some more....
Murray is a new one. He and his little hoe Ovajita, who by the way, I LOVE. She's great...love her, love her, love her! I love her attitude, her aptitude, and her cute little nose that wrinkles up when they make her talk...because don't tell anyone but she's really just a puppet! Bet she tastes great with mint jelly too, but she's Hispanic so she shall be spared. She's bound to have one or twenty delicious little siblings we can cook up instead. Plus, she always launches herself at Murray and smacks him in the head, so she does everyone a service.....if anyone needs a good swift smack, it's Murray who, on the other hand, is obnoxious to no end. He's got a really annoying flat head too, when they show a full body shot of him playing baseball or visiting farm school....you've gotta see this idiot. He looks like his mother left him on his back in his crib for like four months without reprieve. Either that or he's Sarah Palin's son's twin and she just couldn't take two drooling props so she rented one out to Sesame Street. That would be just like her, too. Yeah, that's it. Now he annoys me just a little bit more than he did an hour ago. I swear if anything else oozes out of that woman's deficient uterus I'll pull my hair out in chunks....but THAT too is another post. Aren't you excited?
I heard there was an HIV positive character on Sesame Street...heard everyone getting their panties in a bunch years back over that one. God forbid we should have any real life shit in this show...so either the character was never introduced due to public outcry, or the poor bastard had Medicaid or some other shitty health care plan (which is why we DEFINTELY do not need healthcare reform...PUPPETS are dying for Christ's sake! Are you in favor of it YET??) and got prescribed a sub-par cocktail, so subsequently succumbed to Kaposi's sarcoma before I could catch an episode with that him or her in it. I guess we'll never know. If he or she was anything like Elmo, Rosita, or Ernie, and he or she DID die of Kaposi's sarcoma, I'm significantly disappointed that I missed the event.
Snuffie (I'm too lazy to go look up how to spell his full name LOL) is adorable...I've always loved him. He's really taken a back seat though....you hardly ever see him anymore. I'll bet it's because he's overweight....that's it....and you know how we MUST start our kids young--cram the importance of good nutrition, politically correct thought and speech, and the fact that they just shit ice cream and are so VERY special (just like every other little dipshit is) into their little brains so that they all become a generation of tight-assed, politically correct, humorless, god-loving pricks like their yuppie Crate and Barrel buying, play date attending, latte lapping parents. Great idea. Anyway, I digress....Snuffie rocks.
Snuffie's best bud, Big Bird, on the other hand, drives me absolutely fucking batshit (like I'm not already there--I named my damn blog after the concept). I've always hated this prick. First of all, I haven't ever decided if he's a girl or a boy. They say he's a boy....and if he is, his balls haven't dropped yet and it's my guess they never will. He's at best going to end up metrosexual and it's my guess he's a total fruit. Before you get all righteous and angry at my appearance of intolerance...I joke about just about anything that's wrong, you have no idea who I am and what my lifestyle consists of (just because I haven't chosen to share it with YOU yet...believe me, in ye old real world I am the most tolerant person there is for various reasons undisclosed), so shut the fuck up in advance. He's a fruit (not that there's anything wrong with that). Face it. Not only that, he's whiny, obnoxious, and the sound of his voice makes my clit retract. What he needs is a big, deep bird bath made just for him. I would like to be the one to break the champagne bottle against the side of this wonderous new device, and baptize or christen the thing, or whatever the hell you want to call it. And THEN I want to pour cement around his big orangey feet and drop the bastard in, and then just sit on the edge and wiggle my toes in the water. While watching the bubbles of course....until ALL THE BUBBLES STOP. Then I'd just leave him there to rot. Did I adequately convey to you that I totally dislike Big Bird?
Now that I'm in a friendly mood, I'd like to talk about Rosita. The guitar-playing, Puerto Rican, broken English speaking (which escapes me because what are they trying to say anyway...that all Puerto Ricans speak in broken English and don't speak it better than some of the brainless kids that have come through the stellar educational system of the good old USA?) Aqua colored walking, talking, living, breathing EMETIC. Jesus she makes me just want to scream until I just sound like a fucking donkey. Until there is absolutely NO voice left...and that would take some doing. This bitch just has to die. She's got this fluffy mustachey thingy hanging off her face that I just want to yank so hard it makes her head hit and rebound off the pavement. I'd really like to dry shave this pain in the ass with a dull, rusty Bic and then shoot her with paintballs filled with isopropyl alcohol...no pussying around though...it would have to be the 90% kind. I would be more than willing to personally undergo the tedium of extracting the paint from the paint balls with a hypodermic and then injecting the alcohol into those little balls JUST FOR THE OPPORTUNITY! So, you probably have a pretty good idea right now that I don't really have any use for Rosita either.
Another waste of space on this show is Ernie. What a dumb useless fuck! He never pays attention to anything, laughs like a loon, and is the bane of Bert's existence. I have no idea how those two have managed to cohabit for such a long period of time without, at some point, Ernie ending up being found rolled in a blood-soaked carpet in the corner of the closet. I'd do it if I was Bert. This little prick really needs a reality check. I'd like to shove his rubber ducky straight up his little puppet ass. Let him sing a happy song about that...now THAT I'd like to hear.
Bert really doesn't bother me, but he does very much remind me of my ex-husband's gay boyfriend...to the T. Except his name isn't Larry. Or maybe it is....
Anyway, much like Larry, Bert is a non-issue for me. Let Larry have my ex and let Bert have Ernie. Stupid fucks deserve each other, is all I'm saying here...
I don't think I've forgotten anyone...of course the Dingers and the Honkers and the Two-Headed Monster show up from time to time...and I love them all. I also do miss the Yip Yips...what the hell was wrong with them? Did they go back to their home planet because Sesame Street was just too goddamned bizarre for them? Did they succumb to some Earth bacteria that caused their fuzzy little skins to drop off them in chunks? I shudder at the thought...those things rocked. If it's because of their speech impediment, they really should sue. There are so many disability acts and provisions flying around these days, they should be able to find a lawyer looking for national recognition to take their case...they don't even need reasonable accommodation...I could understand them just fine. And they showed a zeal for learning too....they had a book about the Earth and were trying to learn everything they could about everything they encountered. OOOH! I'll bet they got to humans and decided that they wanted nothing to do with this place and this species of nasty hateful creatures hellbent on destroying and exploiting everything in sight as it suits our (I shamefully admit that I too belong to this race) needs and desires. That makes the most sense. Good old Yip Yips had more integrity than I thought.
And now we come, lastly, to the most obnoxious and deserving of personal disaster character on this show...and that is Elmo. Furry, red, fucking annoying and dangerously innocent....this little fucker gives me shit cramps. They've got Tickle Me Elmo and a whole host of other toys to whore out to kids and their unsuspecting parents for a buck, many of which I haven't had the pleasure of acquainting myself with as of yet but much like menopause, I am sure the day will come. What they really need to add is, like the name of this post, Gitmo Elmo. This concept is really fantastic. I know you will agree. This little bastard is red and fuzzy, so he's definitely not American and if he's not American he must not be a proper christian either so there is no other conclusion to draw from this, other than this fucker has to be a threat to national security and may even be an enemy combatant. What other conclusion is there to draw? Send the prick to Gitmo, because you never know...and much better to be safe than sorry. Who other is more deserving of being ferreted away to an off-shore prison without due process of any kind? If a thirteen year old brown kid in the wrong place at the wrong time is fair game, I say this little piece of shit deserves it too. I hear they play Sesame Street music incessantly (among other tunes) down in Gitmo, for atmosphere of course and not to torture illegally imprisoned individuals for no reason, so Elmo might just enjoy his damn stay there. He must need a bath like everyone else, so of course let's water board him to make sure he's squeaky clean too? After all, if it's not torture, the only thing I can think it must be useful for is a really good scrubbing! No need for a Neti Pot after this harmless little procedure, so there's an added benefit. Chain the little fucker up and ship him out, I say. Unless he builds morale down there....hadn't thought of that. Boy would that suck....can't have that. Maybe I'll need to rethink my whole scenario here....damn it! And what's up with Mr. Noodle??? Some freaky red headed guy who is ALWAYS outside Elmo's window when he pulls up the curtain...ready to do whatever the hell Elmo wants to see him do. And I've even seen Mr. Noodle scratching Elmo's back! He's grooming the poor red fuck and Elmo doesn't even realize it. I hope I get to see the episode when Mr. Noodle sodomizes the prick!
If you are not familiar with modern day Sesame Street, you should really check it out. DVR it, TIVO it, record it on your VCR, or look it up on Youtube. If you're a child of the Sesame Street of the '70's, you're in for a hell of a shock! If you don't have children, roll up a joint and take a few shots and you'll enjoy it just fine. If you have children, probably best to skip the substances but check it out anyway-you've probably been exposed to it ad nauseum much like I have been. If you do have children and you don't know what I'm talking about, then you're a shitty parent who needs to spend more time with your damn kids so what are you doing here reading my blog anyway? Go spend time with them! Do it, do it now! If not, no bitching and complaining when your darling daughter gets knocked up at 14, or when your son ends up with a raging drug habit, or when either of them get diddled by Uncle Tony, etc. ...because YOU WEREN'T THERE FOR THEM WHEN THEY NEEDED YOU. Just somethin' to think about.....
I have the distinct privilege of having multiple children varying in age by twenty years difference, so I know the Sesame Street of my youth, the Sesame Street of 15 years ago, and the Sesame Street of today. I have to say, things have certainly changed in the hood.
For example, the Count has been totally neutered! When we were kids, the Count lived in a castle with his bats...the lighting was low and there was appropriate scary organ music, and we liked him just fine. Now, god forbid our kids think life is anything less than shitting butterflied and cupcakes, so by all means shield them from anything remotely inappropriate or realistic more like, and so now you have the Count of today. He's dressed in a costume that would make a transvestite wet himself, and what the hell happened to the thunder and lightning every time he counts? WTF? This is ridiculous....really....the Count's balls have been cut off and he doesn't seem to mind it a bit. He just keeps going like some autistic kid trying to build on his strengths, and he does a pretty good job of it, poor bastard. I just find it rather distasteful and sad. But all in all, I like the Count.
Then we come to Cookie Monster, who is just as wonderful as ever...I absolutely fucking LOVE Cookie Monster...but I definitely did NOT like the episode during which they tried to make the poor fuck eat an APPLE CINNAMON cookie....Maria and Luis tempted him like they were peddling crack to tweens....the only thing they didn't do was feed it to him out of a Whole Foods bag, so I guess I have to give them credit for that. But he ate it....the whore.
Grover remains the lovable doofus that he's always been....like so many people in this world....he's everyman...totally incompetent and having no idea whatsoever that this is the case. He slays me though...funny bastard. Good thing they didn't fuck with Grover!
Kermit the Frog and Harry Monster are now totally absent. Kermit was obnoxious, so I can only hope that someone finally took him out or served his plump little legs with lemon butter and put the rest of him in a wheelchair that was a violation of his Sesame Street contract or something, so he can't be on the show anymore...either way I don't miss him. But Harry was great! What the hell happened to him? I don't get it. I know what happened to him. He was too menacing. Big and blue and kinda monstery looking. (But the point is, he was a goddamned monster!) Oh, can't have that. Kids need to feel warm and cozy and coddled and psychologically insulated, so that when they finally become adults, they'll see what the real world is actually like, and then they'll hit the wall, great idea. They'll either end up homeless or they'll stab their families to death and then go shoot up a McDonald's. And then I'LL have to watch it on the news 'til I want to puke (because if they don't beat every story to death except for the ones that really count, it's just not a day in the news), and it'll cut into my favorite show no doubt, which I have to say will really bite. Everything must be appropriate and disarming these days...but that's another post, trust me!
Abby Cadabby (probably spelled her name wrong but I'll worry about that when I'll actually ever be required to fucking know how to spell it) and Zoe are new characters....a little obnoxious like most little girls always are, but they don't bother me much. Abby and her magic actually please me, because it is obvious that there is in NO WAY a raging Christian lunatic nutbag affiliated with the production of this show or you'd smell her burning sparkly pink hair from one end of the street to the other...they'd probably put the stake they burn her on right outside Hooper's store, just in case any other free thinking characters get any bright ideas. So I'm okay with Abby and Zoe .
Telly is a weird one. On the one hand I kind of want to slap him, but he'd probably wail so piteously that I'd actually feel some real remorse for doing it...and he's a good-hearted little dipshit, can't really find anything wrong with him. He reminds me of a history teacher I had in high school. He amuses me.
Oscar is wonderful....same old awesome jerkoff who just wants to be left alone yet someone always has to fuck with the poor bastard...I can relate to him. And he's apparently a freaking species because there are a whole bunch of other grouches who show up in some episodes, who are all just like him. So basically he is what he is for organic reasons and if that's the way he evolved, who am I to argue? Plus, he's awfully good to Slimey, his little pet worm. Anyone who's good to their pet is just wonderful in my book. If you're reading this and you're not good to your pet, you should be boiled in shit and I hope you come back in your next life as a child in Ethiopia. Have fun there. You can work on your tan.
Isn't it sad how I can know all of this off the top of my head? I know!! Here comes some more....
Murray is a new one. He and his little hoe Ovajita, who by the way, I LOVE. She's great...love her, love her, love her! I love her attitude, her aptitude, and her cute little nose that wrinkles up when they make her talk...because don't tell anyone but she's really just a puppet! Bet she tastes great with mint jelly too, but she's Hispanic so she shall be spared. She's bound to have one or twenty delicious little siblings we can cook up instead. Plus, she always launches herself at Murray and smacks him in the head, so she does everyone a service.....if anyone needs a good swift smack, it's Murray who, on the other hand, is obnoxious to no end. He's got a really annoying flat head too, when they show a full body shot of him playing baseball or visiting farm school....you've gotta see this idiot. He looks like his mother left him on his back in his crib for like four months without reprieve. Either that or he's Sarah Palin's son's twin and she just couldn't take two drooling props so she rented one out to Sesame Street. That would be just like her, too. Yeah, that's it. Now he annoys me just a little bit more than he did an hour ago. I swear if anything else oozes out of that woman's deficient uterus I'll pull my hair out in chunks....but THAT too is another post. Aren't you excited?
I heard there was an HIV positive character on Sesame Street...heard everyone getting their panties in a bunch years back over that one. God forbid we should have any real life shit in this show...so either the character was never introduced due to public outcry, or the poor bastard had Medicaid or some other shitty health care plan (which is why we DEFINTELY do not need healthcare reform...PUPPETS are dying for Christ's sake! Are you in favor of it YET??) and got prescribed a sub-par cocktail, so subsequently succumbed to Kaposi's sarcoma before I could catch an episode with that him or her in it. I guess we'll never know. If he or she was anything like Elmo, Rosita, or Ernie, and he or she DID die of Kaposi's sarcoma, I'm significantly disappointed that I missed the event.
Snuffie (I'm too lazy to go look up how to spell his full name LOL) is adorable...I've always loved him. He's really taken a back seat though....you hardly ever see him anymore. I'll bet it's because he's overweight....that's it....and you know how we MUST start our kids young--cram the importance of good nutrition, politically correct thought and speech, and the fact that they just shit ice cream and are so VERY special (just like every other little dipshit is) into their little brains so that they all become a generation of tight-assed, politically correct, humorless, god-loving pricks like their yuppie Crate and Barrel buying, play date attending, latte lapping parents. Great idea. Anyway, I digress....Snuffie rocks.
Snuffie's best bud, Big Bird, on the other hand, drives me absolutely fucking batshit (like I'm not already there--I named my damn blog after the concept). I've always hated this prick. First of all, I haven't ever decided if he's a girl or a boy. They say he's a boy....and if he is, his balls haven't dropped yet and it's my guess they never will. He's at best going to end up metrosexual and it's my guess he's a total fruit. Before you get all righteous and angry at my appearance of intolerance...I joke about just about anything that's wrong, you have no idea who I am and what my lifestyle consists of (just because I haven't chosen to share it with YOU yet...believe me, in ye old real world I am the most tolerant person there is for various reasons undisclosed), so shut the fuck up in advance. He's a fruit (not that there's anything wrong with that). Face it. Not only that, he's whiny, obnoxious, and the sound of his voice makes my clit retract. What he needs is a big, deep bird bath made just for him. I would like to be the one to break the champagne bottle against the side of this wonderous new device, and baptize or christen the thing, or whatever the hell you want to call it. And THEN I want to pour cement around his big orangey feet and drop the bastard in, and then just sit on the edge and wiggle my toes in the water. While watching the bubbles of course....until ALL THE BUBBLES STOP. Then I'd just leave him there to rot. Did I adequately convey to you that I totally dislike Big Bird?
Now that I'm in a friendly mood, I'd like to talk about Rosita. The guitar-playing, Puerto Rican, broken English speaking (which escapes me because what are they trying to say anyway...that all Puerto Ricans speak in broken English and don't speak it better than some of the brainless kids that have come through the stellar educational system of the good old USA?) Aqua colored walking, talking, living, breathing EMETIC. Jesus she makes me just want to scream until I just sound like a fucking donkey. Until there is absolutely NO voice left...and that would take some doing. This bitch just has to die. She's got this fluffy mustachey thingy hanging off her face that I just want to yank so hard it makes her head hit and rebound off the pavement. I'd really like to dry shave this pain in the ass with a dull, rusty Bic and then shoot her with paintballs filled with isopropyl alcohol...no pussying around though...it would have to be the 90% kind. I would be more than willing to personally undergo the tedium of extracting the paint from the paint balls with a hypodermic and then injecting the alcohol into those little balls JUST FOR THE OPPORTUNITY! So, you probably have a pretty good idea right now that I don't really have any use for Rosita either.
Another waste of space on this show is Ernie. What a dumb useless fuck! He never pays attention to anything, laughs like a loon, and is the bane of Bert's existence. I have no idea how those two have managed to cohabit for such a long period of time without, at some point, Ernie ending up being found rolled in a blood-soaked carpet in the corner of the closet. I'd do it if I was Bert. This little prick really needs a reality check. I'd like to shove his rubber ducky straight up his little puppet ass. Let him sing a happy song about that...now THAT I'd like to hear.
Bert really doesn't bother me, but he does very much remind me of my ex-husband's gay boyfriend...to the T. Except his name isn't Larry. Or maybe it is....
Anyway, much like Larry, Bert is a non-issue for me. Let Larry have my ex and let Bert have Ernie. Stupid fucks deserve each other, is all I'm saying here...
I don't think I've forgotten anyone...of course the Dingers and the Honkers and the Two-Headed Monster show up from time to time...and I love them all. I also do miss the Yip Yips...what the hell was wrong with them? Did they go back to their home planet because Sesame Street was just too goddamned bizarre for them? Did they succumb to some Earth bacteria that caused their fuzzy little skins to drop off them in chunks? I shudder at the thought...those things rocked. If it's because of their speech impediment, they really should sue. There are so many disability acts and provisions flying around these days, they should be able to find a lawyer looking for national recognition to take their case...they don't even need reasonable accommodation...I could understand them just fine. And they showed a zeal for learning too....they had a book about the Earth and were trying to learn everything they could about everything they encountered. OOOH! I'll bet they got to humans and decided that they wanted nothing to do with this place and this species of nasty hateful creatures hellbent on destroying and exploiting everything in sight as it suits our (I shamefully admit that I too belong to this race) needs and desires. That makes the most sense. Good old Yip Yips had more integrity than I thought.
And now we come, lastly, to the most obnoxious and deserving of personal disaster character on this show...and that is Elmo. Furry, red, fucking annoying and dangerously innocent....this little fucker gives me shit cramps. They've got Tickle Me Elmo and a whole host of other toys to whore out to kids and their unsuspecting parents for a buck, many of which I haven't had the pleasure of acquainting myself with as of yet but much like menopause, I am sure the day will come. What they really need to add is, like the name of this post, Gitmo Elmo. This concept is really fantastic. I know you will agree. This little bastard is red and fuzzy, so he's definitely not American and if he's not American he must not be a proper christian either so there is no other conclusion to draw from this, other than this fucker has to be a threat to national security and may even be an enemy combatant. What other conclusion is there to draw? Send the prick to Gitmo, because you never know...and much better to be safe than sorry. Who other is more deserving of being ferreted away to an off-shore prison without due process of any kind? If a thirteen year old brown kid in the wrong place at the wrong time is fair game, I say this little piece of shit deserves it too. I hear they play Sesame Street music incessantly (among other tunes) down in Gitmo, for atmosphere of course and not to torture illegally imprisoned individuals for no reason, so Elmo might just enjoy his damn stay there. He must need a bath like everyone else, so of course let's water board him to make sure he's squeaky clean too? After all, if it's not torture, the only thing I can think it must be useful for is a really good scrubbing! No need for a Neti Pot after this harmless little procedure, so there's an added benefit. Chain the little fucker up and ship him out, I say. Unless he builds morale down there....hadn't thought of that. Boy would that suck....can't have that. Maybe I'll need to rethink my whole scenario here....damn it! And what's up with Mr. Noodle??? Some freaky red headed guy who is ALWAYS outside Elmo's window when he pulls up the curtain...ready to do whatever the hell Elmo wants to see him do. And I've even seen Mr. Noodle scratching Elmo's back! He's grooming the poor red fuck and Elmo doesn't even realize it. I hope I get to see the episode when Mr. Noodle sodomizes the prick!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Welcome To My Blog
Everyone sit in a circle and let's introduce ourselves....
I guess that's an okay way to begin a brandy new blog right?...a neonate blog....all bright eyed and bushy tailed and fresh out of the uterus of Google Blogs.....I'm getting choked up already...how very cute...and it's got my nose...AWWW!
I'm really not sure what this blog is going to be about..much like my own mental health, let's call it a work in progress, just for shits and giggles. I am going to use this blog to vent my frustrations regarding whatever comes into my mind at the moment, and you are certainly free to and even encouraged to comment on it. You don't have to be nice, because I won't be- most of the time, unless you happen to agree with me. This is DEFINITELY not the blog for the easily offended or the tight-assed. But on the other hand, if you're into masochism, AND you are faint of heart or tight-assed, you will most definitely amuse me; so then again, don't put too much stock in that previous statement. Come on in....yeah, that's it...it'll be fun. I promise (at least for me).
I am kind of curious about how many people out there think like me...or have the same DSM diagnosis anyway, which is probably more appropriate. But if the world made sense and wasn't full of absolute freaking idiots, I'd be a lot saner, I can tell you that. I'd also probably have a lot less heartburn. Insanity is, after all, defined by the majority, describing the minority.
If I was a teenager, I guess this blog would be my way of avoiding going into the bathroom and cutting myself in places where no one else can see. But then again, the more I observe this world, no one is really worth THAT. Have a nice day and enjoy my blog! It's like the current flu strain of the winter...you never really know what you're gonna get. So this was my foreplay post....if it felt good, check back later. I have real life things to do now.
I guess that's an okay way to begin a brandy new blog right?...a neonate blog....all bright eyed and bushy tailed and fresh out of the uterus of Google Blogs.....I'm getting choked up already...how very cute...and it's got my nose...AWWW!
I'm really not sure what this blog is going to be about..much like my own mental health, let's call it a work in progress, just for shits and giggles. I am going to use this blog to vent my frustrations regarding whatever comes into my mind at the moment, and you are certainly free to and even encouraged to comment on it. You don't have to be nice, because I won't be- most of the time, unless you happen to agree with me. This is DEFINITELY not the blog for the easily offended or the tight-assed. But on the other hand, if you're into masochism, AND you are faint of heart or tight-assed, you will most definitely amuse me; so then again, don't put too much stock in that previous statement. Come on in....yeah, that's it...it'll be fun. I promise (at least for me).
I am kind of curious about how many people out there think like me...or have the same DSM diagnosis anyway, which is probably more appropriate. But if the world made sense and wasn't full of absolute freaking idiots, I'd be a lot saner, I can tell you that. I'd also probably have a lot less heartburn. Insanity is, after all, defined by the majority, describing the minority.
If I was a teenager, I guess this blog would be my way of avoiding going into the bathroom and cutting myself in places where no one else can see. But then again, the more I observe this world, no one is really worth THAT. Have a nice day and enjoy my blog! It's like the current flu strain of the winter...you never really know what you're gonna get. So this was my foreplay post....if it felt good, check back later. I have real life things to do now.
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