Saturday, September 4, 2010

Gitmo Elmo

I have some very strong feelings regarding what should happen to various Sesame Street characters.....

If you are not familiar with modern day Sesame Street, you should really check it out.  DVR it, TIVO it, record it on your VCR, or look it up on Youtube.  If you're a child of the Sesame Street of the '70's, you're in for a hell of a shock!  If you don't have children, roll up a joint and take a few shots and you'll enjoy it just fine.  If you have children, probably best to skip the substances but check it out anyway-you've probably been exposed to it ad nauseum much like I have been.  If you do have children and you don't know what I'm talking about, then you're a shitty parent who needs to spend more time with your damn kids so what are you doing here reading my blog anyway?   Go spend time with them!  Do it, do it now!  If not, no bitching and complaining when your darling daughter gets knocked up at 14, or when your son ends up with a raging drug habit, or when either of them get diddled by Uncle Tony, etc. ...because YOU WEREN'T THERE FOR THEM WHEN THEY NEEDED YOU.  Just somethin' to think about.....

I have the distinct privilege of having multiple children varying in age by twenty years difference, so I know the Sesame Street of my youth, the Sesame Street of 15 years ago, and the Sesame Street of today.   I have to say, things have certainly changed in the hood.

For example, the Count has been totally neutered!  When we were kids, the Count lived in a castle with his bats...the lighting was low and there was appropriate scary organ music, and we liked him just fine.  Now, god forbid our kids think life is anything less than shitting butterflied and cupcakes, so by all means shield them from anything remotely inappropriate or realistic more like, and so now you have the Count of today.  He's dressed in a costume that would make a transvestite wet himself, and what the hell happened to the thunder and lightning every time he counts?  WTF?  This is ridiculous....really....the Count's balls have been cut off and he doesn't seem to mind it a bit.  He just keeps going like some autistic kid trying to build on his strengths, and he does a pretty good job of it, poor bastard.  I just find it rather distasteful and sad.  But all in all, I like the Count.

Then we come to Cookie Monster, who is just as wonderful as ever...I absolutely fucking LOVE Cookie Monster...but I definitely did NOT like the episode during which they tried to make the poor fuck eat an APPLE CINNAMON cookie....Maria and Luis tempted him like they were peddling crack to tweens....the only thing they didn't do was feed it to him out of a Whole Foods bag, so I guess I have to give them credit for that.  But he ate it....the whore.

Grover remains the lovable doofus that he's always been....like so many people in this world....he's everyman...totally incompetent and having no idea whatsoever that this is the case.  He slays me though...funny bastard.  Good thing they didn't fuck with Grover!

Kermit the Frog and Harry Monster are now totally absent.  Kermit was obnoxious, so I can only hope that someone finally took him out or served his plump little legs with lemon butter and put the rest of him in a wheelchair that was a violation of his Sesame Street contract or something, so he can't be on the show anymore...either way I don't miss him.  But Harry was great!  What the hell happened to him?  I don't get it.  I know what happened to him.  He was too menacing.  Big and blue and kinda monstery looking.  (But the point is, he was a goddamned monster!) Oh, can't have that.  Kids need to feel warm and cozy and coddled and psychologically insulated, so that when they finally become adults, they'll see what the real world is actually like, and then they'll hit the wall, great idea.  They'll either end up homeless or they'll stab their families to death and then go shoot up a McDonald's.  And then I'LL have to watch it on the news 'til I want to puke (because if they don't beat every story to death except for the ones that really count, it's just not a day in the news), and it'll cut into my favorite show no doubt, which I have to say will really bite.  Everything must be appropriate and disarming these days...but that's another post, trust me!

Abby Cadabby (probably spelled her name wrong but I'll worry about that when I'll actually ever be required to fucking know how to spell it) and Zoe are new characters....a little obnoxious like most little girls always are, but they don't bother me much.  Abby and her magic actually please me, because it is obvious that there is in NO WAY a raging Christian lunatic nutbag affiliated with the production of this show or you'd smell her burning sparkly pink hair from one end of the street to the other...they'd probably put the stake they burn her on right outside Hooper's store, just in case any other free thinking characters get any bright ideas.  So I'm okay with Abby and Zoe .

Telly is a weird one.  On the one hand I kind of want to slap him, but he'd probably wail so piteously that I'd actually feel some real remorse for doing it...and he's a good-hearted little dipshit, can't really find anything wrong with him.  He reminds me of a history teacher I had in high school.  He amuses me.

Oscar is wonderful....same old awesome jerkoff who just wants to be left alone yet someone always has to fuck with the poor bastard...I can relate to him.  And he's apparently a freaking species because there are a whole bunch of other grouches who show up in some episodes, who are all just like him.  So basically he is what he is for organic reasons and if that's the way he evolved, who am I to argue?  Plus, he's awfully good to Slimey, his little pet worm.  Anyone who's good to their pet is just wonderful in my book.  If you're reading this and you're not good to your pet, you should be boiled in shit and I hope you come back in your next life as a child in Ethiopia.  Have fun there.  You can work on your tan.

Isn't it sad how I can know all of this off the top of my head?  I know!!  Here comes some more....

Murray is a new one.  He and his little hoe Ovajita, who by the way, I LOVE.  She's great...love her, love her, love her!  I love her attitude, her aptitude, and her cute little nose that wrinkles up when they make her talk...because don't tell anyone but she's really just a puppet!  Bet she tastes great with mint jelly too, but she's Hispanic so she shall be spared.  She's bound to have one or twenty delicious little siblings we can cook up instead.  Plus, she always launches herself at Murray and smacks him in the head, so she does everyone a service.....if anyone needs a good swift smack, it's Murray who, on the other hand, is obnoxious to no end.  He's got a really annoying flat head too, when they show a full body shot of him playing baseball or visiting farm school....you've gotta see this idiot.  He looks like his mother left him on his back in his crib for like four months without reprieve.  Either that or he's Sarah Palin's son's twin and she just couldn't take two drooling props so she rented one out to Sesame Street.  That would be just like her, too.  Yeah, that's it.  Now he annoys me just a little bit more than he did an hour ago.  I swear if anything else oozes out of that woman's deficient uterus I'll pull my hair out in chunks....but THAT too is another post.  Aren't you excited? 

I heard there was an HIV positive character on Sesame Street...heard everyone getting their panties in a bunch years back over that one.  God forbid we should have any real life shit in this show...so either the character was never introduced due to public outcry, or the poor bastard had Medicaid or some other shitty health care plan (which is why we DEFINTELY do not need healthcare reform...PUPPETS are dying for Christ's sake!  Are you in favor of it YET??) and got prescribed a sub-par cocktail, so subsequently succumbed to Kaposi's sarcoma before I could catch an episode with that him or her in it.  I guess we'll never know.  If he or she was anything like Elmo, Rosita, or Ernie, and he or she DID die of Kaposi's sarcoma, I'm significantly disappointed that I missed the event.

Snuffie (I'm too lazy to go look up how to spell his full name LOL) is adorable...I've always loved him.  He's really taken a back seat though....you hardly ever see him anymore.  I'll bet it's because he's overweight....that's it....and you know how we MUST start our kids young--cram the importance of good nutrition, politically correct thought and speech, and the fact that they just shit ice cream and are so VERY special (just like every other little dipshit is) into their little brains so that they all become a generation of tight-assed, politically correct, humorless, god-loving pricks like their yuppie Crate and Barrel buying, play date attending, latte lapping parents.  Great idea.  Anyway, I digress....Snuffie rocks. 

Snuffie's best bud, Big Bird, on the other hand, drives me absolutely fucking batshit (like I'm not already there--I named my damn blog after the concept).  I've always hated this prick.  First of all, I haven't ever decided if he's a girl or a boy.  They say he's a boy....and if he is, his balls haven't dropped yet and it's my guess they never will.  He's at best going to end up metrosexual and it's my guess he's a total fruit.  Before you get all righteous and angry at my appearance of intolerance...I joke about just about anything that's wrong, you have no idea who I am and what my lifestyle consists of (just because I haven't chosen to share it with YOU yet...believe me, in ye old real world I am the most tolerant person there is for various reasons undisclosed), so shut the fuck up in advance.  He's a fruit (not that there's anything wrong with that).  Face it.  Not only that, he's whiny, obnoxious, and the sound of his voice makes my clit retract.  What he needs is a big, deep bird bath made just for him.  I would like to be the one to break the champagne bottle against the side of this wonderous new device, and baptize or christen the thing, or whatever the hell you want to call it.  And THEN I want to pour cement around his big orangey feet and drop the bastard in, and then just sit on the edge and wiggle my toes in the water.  While watching the bubbles of course....until ALL THE BUBBLES STOP.  Then I'd just leave him there to rot.  Did I adequately convey to you that I totally dislike Big Bird?

Now that I'm in a friendly mood, I'd like to talk about Rosita.  The guitar-playing, Puerto Rican, broken English speaking (which escapes me because what are they trying to say anyway...that all Puerto Ricans speak in broken English and don't speak it better than some of the brainless kids that have come through the stellar educational system of the good old USA?) Aqua colored walking, talking, living, breathing EMETIC.  Jesus she makes me just want to scream until I just sound like a fucking donkey.  Until there is absolutely NO voice left...and that would take some doing.  This bitch just has to die.  She's got this fluffy mustachey thingy hanging off her face that I just want to yank so hard it makes her head hit and rebound off the pavement.  I'd really like to dry shave this pain in the ass with a dull, rusty Bic and then shoot her with paintballs filled with isopropyl  alcohol...no pussying around though...it would have to be the 90% kind.  I would be more than willing to personally undergo the tedium of extracting the paint from the paint balls with a hypodermic and then injecting the alcohol into those little balls JUST FOR THE OPPORTUNITY!  So, you probably have a pretty good idea right now that I don't really have any use for Rosita either.

Another waste of space on this show is Ernie.  What a dumb useless fuck!  He never pays attention to anything, laughs like a loon, and is the bane of  Bert's existence.  I have no idea how those two have managed to cohabit for such a long period of time without, at some point, Ernie ending up being found rolled in a blood-soaked carpet in the corner of the closet.  I'd do it if I was Bert.  This little prick really needs a reality check.  I'd like to shove his rubber ducky straight up his little puppet ass.  Let him sing a happy song about that...now THAT I'd like to hear. 

Bert really doesn't bother me, but he does very much remind me of my ex-husband's gay boyfriend...to the T.  Except his name isn't Larry.  Or maybe it is....
Anyway, much like Larry, Bert is a non-issue for me.  Let Larry have my ex and let Bert have Ernie.  Stupid fucks deserve each other, is all I'm saying here...

I don't think I've forgotten anyone...of course the Dingers and the Honkers and the Two-Headed Monster show up from time to time...and I love them all.  I also do miss the Yip Yips...what the hell was wrong with them?  Did they go back to their home planet because Sesame Street was just too goddamned bizarre for them?  Did they succumb to some Earth bacteria that caused their fuzzy little skins to drop off them in chunks?  I shudder at the thought...those things rocked.  If it's because of their speech impediment, they really should sue.  There are so many disability acts and provisions flying around these days, they should be able to find a lawyer looking for national recognition to take their case...they don't even need reasonable accommodation...I could understand them just fine.  And they showed a zeal for learning too....they had a book about the Earth and were trying to learn everything they could about everything they encountered.  OOOH!  I'll bet they got to humans and decided that they wanted nothing to do with this place and this species of nasty hateful creatures hellbent on destroying and exploiting everything in sight as it suits our (I shamefully admit that I too belong to this race) needs and desires.  That makes the most sense.  Good old Yip Yips had more integrity than I thought.

And now we come, lastly, to the most obnoxious and deserving of personal disaster character on this show...and that is Elmo.  Furry, red, fucking annoying and dangerously innocent....this little fucker gives me shit cramps.  They've got Tickle Me Elmo and a whole host of other toys to whore out to kids and their unsuspecting parents for a buck, many of which I haven't had the pleasure of acquainting myself with as of yet but much like menopause, I am sure the day will come.  What they really need to add is, like the name of this post, Gitmo Elmo.  This concept is really fantastic.  I know you will agree.  This little bastard is red and fuzzy, so he's definitely not American and if he's not American he must not be a proper christian either so there is no other conclusion to draw from this, other than this fucker has to be a threat to national security and may even be an enemy combatant.  What other conclusion is there to draw?  Send the prick to Gitmo, because you never know...and much better to be safe than sorry.  Who other is more deserving of being ferreted away to an off-shore prison without due process of any kind?  If a thirteen year old brown kid in the wrong place at the wrong time is fair game, I say this little piece of shit deserves it too.  I hear they play Sesame Street music incessantly (among other tunes) down in Gitmo, for atmosphere of course and not to torture illegally imprisoned individuals for no reason, so Elmo might just enjoy his damn stay there.  He must need a bath like everyone else, so of course let's water board him to make sure he's squeaky clean too?  After all, if it's not torture, the only thing I can think it must be useful for is a really good scrubbing!  No need for a Neti Pot after this harmless little procedure, so there's an added benefit.  Chain the little fucker up and ship him out, I say.  Unless he builds morale down there....hadn't thought of that.  Boy would that suck....can't have that.  Maybe I'll need to rethink my whole scenario here....damn it!  And what's up with Mr. Noodle???  Some freaky red headed guy who is ALWAYS outside Elmo's window when he pulls up the curtain...ready to do whatever the hell Elmo wants to see him do.  And I've even seen Mr. Noodle scratching Elmo's back!  He's grooming the poor red fuck and Elmo doesn't even realize it.  I hope I get to see the episode when Mr. Noodle sodomizes the prick!

34 comments:

  1. nice blog man, keep up the good work ;)

    i've FOLLOWED you, can you follow me please?

    im also SUPPORTING you daily, can you support me too please?

    cheers mate

    www.money-samir.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  2. Dam you hate everyone lol, ahhh so thats how you got your concept thank big bird for me :P

    Was a long read, but I enjoyed it

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  3. LOL Viperman....nah I don't hate everyone! I think I just had waaaay too much Sesame Street! I absolutely LOVE animals...I'll write my next post about that...it'll be far less angry than this one. Thanks for the comment!!

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  4. Inertia,
    LOVE your blog!! Great stuff on there! This post ended up being a little more severe than I intended but it's really more for laughs than anything else. No risk of me going postal or anything LOL...I just have a really WARPED sense of humor and have a hard time hiding it.

    ReplyDelete
  5. very interesting! need moar posts from you...

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  6. LMFAO...just looked at your profile...have you seen Jizz In My Pants on Youtube???

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLnWf1sQkjY&ob=av3e

    This video slays me every time!! I'll check out your blog =)

    I'm always interested in hearing suggestions for future posts...I'll come up with something twisted soon enough though! LOL

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  7. supportin!

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  8. Showing some support for a followed blog.
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    ReplyDelete
  9. Thanks Swift!!

    Thanks for all the support everyone! =)

    ReplyDelete
  10. Great post bro
    Check out mine and follow
    i-am-wizard.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  11. hehe I wanna see this a blog with no hate on it :P

    PS take off the captcha please :)

    ReplyDelete
  12. This may sound stupid but I am new at this...maybe I'll make you laugh or you'll just think I'm pathetic or something but what's a 'captcha'? I know, it's probably derp!

    Also I promise to write a blog with NO hate on it next time!! As soon as I get some time I promise to do that..'kay?? =)

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  13. Nah I love the hate XD you have to vent dont you :P and the derp is that stupid code you have to type everytime you enter a comment :/

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  14. OH LOL....How to I get rid of the code? Can I get rid of it??

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  15. I think I took care of that code thingy Viperman...let me know if it comes up again and I'll kick it's ass =)

    ReplyDelete
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  17. Well that's kinda nasty...not at all into poop. But I can tell you, I checked out your blog and you're fucking HYSTERICAL!!! Loved it!!

    ReplyDelete
  18. this post literally made me cringe..

    ReplyDelete
  19. Supportin! Check out some wallpapers:

    http://the-state-of-human-intelligence.blogspot.com/

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  20. i'm in your site givin you a favor! pls return it! :3

    ReplyDelete
  21. Umm you know on the youtube videos, click on embed (I choose 480 x 385) and copy the code you get and go to edit HTML and paste it there for your blog post :)

    ReplyDelete
  22. I just learned something new today... thanks!

    ReplyDelete
  23. glad to see you're beating inertia today!

    ReplyDelete
  24. im da best

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  25. You are HYSTERICAL!! I love your blog!!

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  26. Interestingly funny !

    Supporting and please support knowledge,thanks:

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    ReplyDelete